The book explores societal expectations of friendship and what roles they should or shouldn’t play in our lives. What beliefs about friendships did you inherit growing up from parents and role models? How has that affected the friendships in your life? 

Chapter 1 raises historical examples of intimate friendships, from sworn brotherhood in medieval England to romantic friendships between women in the 17th-19th centuries. Did any of these examples challenge or broaden your view of friendships throughout history?

Have you felt the pressures of “compulsory coupledom”? How might you approach your romantic life differently if those pressures were lessened? Have you ever reinforced compulsory coupledom in other people’s lives? 

In Chapter 3, Cohen relays a conversation in which Stacey and Grace describe their different definitions of romance. Whereas Grace connects romance to mystery, Stacey thinks romance happens when you’re certain that you’re the right people for each other. Did either of their ideas—or Stacey’s later proposal that romance is about celebrating intimacy— resonate with you? Do you have a different definition of romance.

Cohen writes, “Sex may be one medium for intimacy, but it’s certainly not the only one, or the ultimate one.” What did you think of that argument?

Did you have trouble believing that any of the pairs in the book had a platonic (rather than sexual) relationship? Why? How, if at all, did the gender or sexuality of the friends play into your thinking? 

In Chapter 4, Cohen writes about the way that Nick’s relationships with friend Art and his girlfriend Morgan complement rather than conflict with one another. Did Nick and Art’s story challenge your idea of romantic partnership? Would you want or expect your spouse to be your “best friend”?

Chapter 5 tells the story of three women who end up co-parenting a child. Do you see a connection between sexual or romantic love and parenthood? Have you ever considered co-parenting with someone other than a romantic partner?

Many of the people who appear in the book belong to the LGBTQ+ community. How does queerness set a precedent for intimate friendship? How does queerness complicate some of the close friendships in the book? 

Have you ever experienced a friend breakup or loss? How did that feel, and how did you process it? 

How does legal status impact societal recognition of nonmarital relationships? Do you think marriage deserves its special legal status? How might the expansion of government recognition discussed in Chapter 8 alter possibilities for partnership, parenting or caretaking?

Do you have someone in your life who has (or had) an unconventional friendship? What did that look like and how did you react to it? Has the book made you think any differently about that friendship? 

When you envision your future, what role do you expect friendships to play in each stage of your life? Has the book changed your beliefs on what role friendship can or can’t play as you pursue your goals?

In the book’s epilogue, Cohen writes that, to change cultural norms that diminish friendship, “We’d need movies and TV shows and books that are driven by a platonic—not romantic—plot…We’d need music that celebrates and aches about platonic love.” What stories about friendship have affected your thinking about platonic relationships? What types of stories would you like to see?

The book ends on a note about “defaultamy” and Andrew’s mom, Lisa, who made major life decisions—not only to marry, but to have children and become a teacher—by default. Are there important decisions you made on autopilot? What would it have looked like to carve your own path? What would have been the challenges and rewards?